Thursday, October 11, 2012

Learning Patience

   So,life has been crazy here.We moved out of our place the end of September and have been staying at my folks ever since.I'm still frantically searching for a place and a job but with no luck so far.Daisy has been going to the  little country school out here for almost two weeks,she loves it,but it isn't the same as homeschooling (which I love).However at the last moment I decided it would be best at least until we get settled and into a routine.
   Most of our belongings are in storage for now and I so long for a place to call home.To be in our own home again,me and the girls,to have our own schedule,to get up and make my own kids breakfast and do our own laundry,etc.Don't get me wrong I greatly appreciate every single thing my mum n dad do for us but I cant wait for life to get back to "normal"
   I hope you're all doing well.
   God Bless you all as you continue thru this journey we call life (((hugs)))

Monday, September 3, 2012

Fun in the Sun

Ok,so maybe there wasnt so much sun,but they had lots of fun!

I got my Rainbow!

   Last night I cried myself to sleep praying that somehow there would be hope found somewhere...
   Remember yesterday I prayed for a glimmer of a rainbow?Nothing fancy,well he sent me that today!I am feeling alot better,trusting things r gonna be ok

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Adventures at the Carnival

Adventures At the Carnival

Please Pray for a Glimmer of hope

   Life seems to have its ways of going from bad to worse,I can only hope it will get better after it gets worse.Like the rainbow after the storm.I know deep down in my heart the universe wont give me more than I can handle,but at the same moment it is so overwhelming that I have thought (more than once) about giving up but something deep inside me is still fighting for a better life for me and my girls.

   As everyone on here knows I'm openly gay (I came out in Dec 2011)In May I was jumped and put in the hospital by my ex.My landlord found out I was gay and wrote me a lease violation for it.Then again she wrote me another lease violation (for being gay) for bogus things such as having to call the police to my home when my ex tried to kick the door in a few weeks ago.Well,yesterday she wrote me an eviction notice,so I am losing my housing,I have nowhere to go,nowhere to take my girls,not sure what we are going to do,however I'm trying to look up and still see the bright side of things,the bring side? Not sure what it is but I'm sure there is one somewhere,maybe its to make me become even more self reliant?maybe its to draw me n my girls even closer?
   I have a hearing with the housing officer on Friday,I am not holding my breath,hoping for the best but expecting the worst...It is with tears I ask you to please pray for us that something will work out for me n my girls.Please pray for our rainbow in the storm...
   Im not asking for this...

   Right now even this would make my day...


Thursday, August 30, 2012

Daisys 5th Birthday

Dear Nikki

Dear Nikki,
   Nine long hard years have passed since you were murdered,and the memory my darling little girl is still just as real now as it was the day you died.
   I remember too well the day I received the news that you had been hurt badly and were not going to make it, and that you were being removed from life support at 2pm the next day,I remember the horror that filled my heart and mind,going into a state of shock,becoming hysterical,not being able to get to you before you passed away 20 minutes later,this was a joyous time for you,sweet innocent girl,but baby it was hell for me, I wish I could have died to keep you safe or done more to protect you,I was fighting with DFS to bring you home as my daughter from the moment you went into foster care,I called all the social workers,moving up the chain of command,but hit roadblocks everywhere I went,but ironically after you passed away,the social worker called me and said everything had been cleared and asked me to adopt your baby sister.I couldn't even do it,I felt too awful about everything that had happened to you.I dont think I responded to that situation properly, but nothing would have ever felt right without you in my home also.
   I remember walking into the funeral home,hearing Butterfly kisses playing softly over the sound system as I walked into the room where your body lay so cold in that tiny casket.You looked so peaceful in your new dress and new little black shoes,and the locket on your neck that lit up so sweetly.I remember seeing your little face swollen nearly beyond recognition and seeing  the marks n bruises down your arms and across your little body for the first time.I remember the horror creeping thru my soul at how much you truly endured before you passed away.I remember being beside myself with grief and running from the funeral home to deal with your death alone as I wandered the streets trying to clear my mind
   Your funeral was torturous I desperately wanted it to be a nightmare,hoping I would wake up any moment,but looking at the burns and bruises covering your little body I knew this nightmare was reality and I also knew I had failed you terribly,I'm so sorry I could not save you from the evils of these pathetic people,honestly baby I have fought many personal demons over your death.I remember a blinding pain taking over my whole life & wanting to kill the foster mother who so tragically and cruelly purposely took your life from you and took you from us much too soon.I remember the last time I saw you alive,it was hell for me,how I wanted to take you into my arms and run as fast and far away from those evil,wicked people,the people who ultimately ended your life a short time later.
   They say time heals all pain,but apparently they don't know what they are talking about because time does not heal the pain,however it does make it a little easier to live with.Your grave is my thinking place,I go there alone to reflect on life,I go there to think of you and to take you little tokens of my love.
   Now I picture you singing and dancing with the angels and sitting with Jesus  living a glorious pain free life full of the excitements of heaven and when I picture this I'm almost glad you were spared having to live with the abuse and horrors  of your past.I realize now that no matter how awful or tragic your death was,your life still was full of meaning and purpose.You are my inspiration Nichole, I look at my beautiful girls and think of you and realize that tomorrow they could be dancing with you,I don't want to regret anything else they way I regret the way you died and not being able to help you more,but i want to thank you for helping to teach me the meaning of life.My own daughter is now the exact age you were when you were murdered,when I look into her sparkling brown eyes I am often reminded of you and how I was given a second chance to make right where I went wrong years ago.
   Gone but not forgotten,you will always live on in mine and my girls lives.   
   RIP Nikki,I love you baby girl xoxo


   Its about 11 pm and all is quiet here,the girls are sleeping peacefully,Im listening to music thinking its near my bedtime so I can get up early and get a good start on Daisys school work.We are homeschooling this year so its all a little new to us but we are enjoying it ever so much,just gotta get into a routine...
   We are doing an online program through the public school system and once I get it all figured out it will be wonderful,right now we are still waiting for her books and stuff so its a slow beginning lol yes I was a little late in registering her however Im glad I found this program and they have been so sweet working with us.She has a credited teacher who calls and talks to us a few times a month and is available for questions nearly anytime.
   I can hardly believe my sweet lil girl is old enough to be starting kindergarten!Theyre getting sooo big!


Saturday, August 25, 2012

Back into the World of Blogging!

Hello Everyone,
   You have been greatly missed!I'm so happy to be back into the blogging world!Although I must say the break was wonderful.
   It has been a crazy summer and school for us starts on Monday morning!This is our first year of homeschooling,Daisy is in Kindergarten and Lilly preschool,we are sooo excited for this next step in our lives :)
   The girls have gotten so big,Daisy just turned 5 and Lilly is 3 1/2.they are so much fun and I adore them!
   So much has happened since I was last on here that I hardly even know where to begin!I love being single and having the freedom to enjoy life,and no I'm not out there being crazy and wild :)
   I have been trying to come up with little ways to make money to ensure the bills are being paid on time,selling a few sewing items,yard sale,etc.God has been good to us and I am extremely thankful for all He has done for us.There is always food on the table and bills always get paid,eventually lol
   I have been going thru stuff again,donating and getting rid of stuff preparing once again to move.Somewhere smaller n more affordable,not exactly something I'm looking forward to but something that must happen.
   Well,its time for me to run and finish cleaning the house so I can set up the girls school area tonight when they go to bed :)
   ((((hugs to all))))

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Getting Back into Blogging

   So, I'm working on getting thru things that have happened in my life in the past couple months and becoming a better person, however my blog has sadly been lacking in activity lol
   I have had a lot going on and have been keeping busy. Every day I'm fighting to do my very best and become an even better parent to my little girls, life is short and passing us by very quickly.
   Being a single parent is great and has definitely been an enlightening experience and I'm glad for the things I have learned, I'm glad I ended the relationship I was in with Lilly's dad, we have all adjusted very well and things are so much better.
   The girls are doing well and getting so big, seems like so many areas of my life need updated and so little time to do it.....
   Hope you all are well (((hugs)))

Friday, January 6, 2012

Another Child Missing from Our Sm City

   As I posted before we live in a small low crime city,however as we are finding out it has a very high suicide rate among young people especially jr high and high school students.
   This morning we found out that almost exactly 48 hours after the searchers found little Alex's body another teenager went missing.She has been missing since yesterday.Please pray with me that she will be brought home safely to her loving family.
M is 16 years old and attends the 10th grade at South High School. Mayra loves to write poems and received second place in a poetry contest. Her favorite sport is basketball, her favorite subjects are English and Art and her grades are mostly A's and B's. M loves to spend time with friends. She is in chorus; music is her life and she doesn't go anywhere without her IPOD.


   Tonight we are going to take the girls out for dinner at Red Lobster and the to the Theater to watch Happy Feet 2  and celebrate the fact that Nick was promoted to General Manager!We are so excited as this is the big break we have been waiting for,this promotion has opened up a whole world of possibilities for us as a family!But Im kind of rushed in getting ready so I will do another post on that later!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Christmas Present

   So,Nick bought me something for Christmas that I have wanted for a very long time....And let me tell you,he is ADORABLE!!!! He has brought so much fun and joy to our lives already,he is so tiny and sweet he snuggles for hours,he is the perfect well loved addition to our family!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Bullying and Suicide

 So,the death of little Alex was ruled a suicide.Seriously look at this little boy and tell me what could have been so bad in his life to kill himself over? He had a loving family that adored him a safe comforting home.He was a happy kid who was never mean to anyone,he adored Mickey Mouse,trains of all kinds and the color yellow,so looking in from the outside it looks he had the perfect life.
   But,wait it wasn't perfect,he ended his own life on New Years near the train tracks he adored so much because He did not want to return to school after the holidays.He could not face the bully's he had been tormented by before.So he chose to end his own life,how sad and tragic,this breaks my heart.Honestly this strikes more fear in my heart that if some sick psycho pervert were out there murdering children.Why? Because suicide is a silent killer becoming more and more popular among children and young teens,they see no way out of their temporary problem and choose the permanent solution of suicide.
   Approximately 30,000 people commit suicide every year in the United States alone.The youngest person to commit suicide in the United states was a 6 yr old Oregon girl after she was sent to her room,she hung herself with a belt in 2010.
   Please parents talk to your children,be open and honest with them,do whatever it takes for you to protect them.Hold them close and love them dearly with every breath you have,today could be the last chance you have to tell them how much you love them!

please click here for stories of bullied children

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My Heart is Breaking....

   We live in a small city with a low crime rate,low murder rate,where everyone knows everyone.Where everyone wants to help everyone.Once again great tragedy has hit our city.A young boy 13 yrs old went missing on New Years Eve.He was just found dead this morning near the rail yards.No details have been released yet,we are waiting for news :( Such a tragedy,such a young life taken way to soon.
RIP Alexander,you will be missed,spread your wings and go home to Jesus.

Daisys Dancer Performance Nov 2011

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Grandmas Funeral Part 1

   My beloved Grandmother passed away on July 27,2011.It shattered our world.She seemed perfectly healthy one day and in heaven several hours later due to a presumed heart attack.A few days later we began the long 16 hour drive to Boise Idaho for her funeral.It was a very sad time for everyone in our family and I know I wrote a small blog post about it all in August however I could not bring myself to type more than a few words because the pain was so very real.They say time heals all wounds,I disagree with this thought,time does not heals the wounds,however with time we learn ways to cope with our loss.
   My grandmother was so very loving and caring,she was a fun woman and a good mother and Grandmother.The day she passed away I received a card from her in the mail a few hours after receiving word of her death.I cried for hours,in her last card,she told us how much she loved me and the girls and that no matter what to trust in God because He will always be there for us.How true this is,she served him til the day she died,everyone was loved by Grandma,everyone was family and we will miss her forever.