Thursday, August 30, 2012

Dear Nikki

Dear Nikki,
   Nine long hard years have passed since you were murdered,and the memory my darling little girl is still just as real now as it was the day you died.
   I remember too well the day I received the news that you had been hurt badly and were not going to make it, and that you were being removed from life support at 2pm the next day,I remember the horror that filled my heart and mind,going into a state of shock,becoming hysterical,not being able to get to you before you passed away 20 minutes later,this was a joyous time for you,sweet innocent girl,but baby it was hell for me, I wish I could have died to keep you safe or done more to protect you,I was fighting with DFS to bring you home as my daughter from the moment you went into foster care,I called all the social workers,moving up the chain of command,but hit roadblocks everywhere I went,but ironically after you passed away,the social worker called me and said everything had been cleared and asked me to adopt your baby sister.I couldn't even do it,I felt too awful about everything that had happened to you.I dont think I responded to that situation properly, but nothing would have ever felt right without you in my home also.
   I remember walking into the funeral home,hearing Butterfly kisses playing softly over the sound system as I walked into the room where your body lay so cold in that tiny casket.You looked so peaceful in your new dress and new little black shoes,and the locket on your neck that lit up so sweetly.I remember seeing your little face swollen nearly beyond recognition and seeing  the marks n bruises down your arms and across your little body for the first time.I remember the horror creeping thru my soul at how much you truly endured before you passed away.I remember being beside myself with grief and running from the funeral home to deal with your death alone as I wandered the streets trying to clear my mind
   Your funeral was torturous I desperately wanted it to be a nightmare,hoping I would wake up any moment,but looking at the burns and bruises covering your little body I knew this nightmare was reality and I also knew I had failed you terribly,I'm so sorry I could not save you from the evils of these pathetic people,honestly baby I have fought many personal demons over your death.I remember a blinding pain taking over my whole life & wanting to kill the foster mother who so tragically and cruelly purposely took your life from you and took you from us much too soon.I remember the last time I saw you alive,it was hell for me,how I wanted to take you into my arms and run as fast and far away from those evil,wicked people,the people who ultimately ended your life a short time later.
   They say time heals all pain,but apparently they don't know what they are talking about because time does not heal the pain,however it does make it a little easier to live with.Your grave is my thinking place,I go there alone to reflect on life,I go there to think of you and to take you little tokens of my love.
   Now I picture you singing and dancing with the angels and sitting with Jesus  living a glorious pain free life full of the excitements of heaven and when I picture this I'm almost glad you were spared having to live with the abuse and horrors  of your past.I realize now that no matter how awful or tragic your death was,your life still was full of meaning and purpose.You are my inspiration Nichole, I look at my beautiful girls and think of you and realize that tomorrow they could be dancing with you,I don't want to regret anything else they way I regret the way you died and not being able to help you more,but i want to thank you for helping to teach me the meaning of life.My own daughter is now the exact age you were when you were murdered,when I look into her sparkling brown eyes I am often reminded of you and how I was given a second chance to make right where I went wrong years ago.
   Gone but not forgotten,you will always live on in mine and my girls lives.   
   RIP Nikki,I love you baby girl xoxo

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