Friday, March 18, 2011

Motherhood,a Thankless Job?

   I just cant seem to wrap my brain around Lilly's diagnosis of Autism.
   I don't know why it is so hard for me to accept,other than the fact that Autism is the diagnosis of doom here,there is no support for parents of autistic kids anywhere near,nothing,no resources,no parent support groups,no play groups,nothing at all.
   I had finally talked myself into believing Lilly is a typical kid with some strange little quirks UNTIL this morning.I have finally had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what Lilly is different than most typical kids,she is not "normal"
   I cried out of utter frustration and sheer exhaustion.I feel at times like I'm losing my mind with that child.I feel like I can do nothing right when she is around.She screams about 18 hr a day 7 days a week.She continually throws stuff at me,she hits me in the face,she bites,she scratches,she head butts.She is just not very nice to me and honestly,it hurts my feelers a little bit.My world revolves around my kids and doing what is the best for them,keeping them safe and healthy,and making sure they are only served healthy meals every day.In return some days I feel like the kids love me even less the harder I try for them.
   I don't think Nick realizes how hard I do work,no I may not make a paycheck at 40 hrs a week outside of the home.Instead I'm on call 168 hr a week,without a moment to call my own,even my resting time is in between caring for a three yr old with night terrors and a 2 yr old who only sleeps a total of maybe 3 hr of sleep spread out through the night.
   I cook,I clean,I do laundry,I wash dishes,I bath and dress children,I hold and snuggle crying upset babies,I kiss owies,I read stories,I pick up toys,I teach life skills, EVERY moment of EVERY single day of the week.
   Being a mother with small children feels like a thankless job at times,but honestly I wouldn't trade it for the highest paying job in the world,because being a mum to special needs kiddos is the highest calling a woman could ever have.Even if it feels like nobody cares,like what I do is worthless I know my girls couldn't make it through the day without all I do for them.I have to think of other children all across the world who do not have parents who care about them as I care for my own,then I think of the many parents out there who have lost their children thru tragedy and I think I have nothing to complain about,instead I thank God for the dear little girls he GAVE to me to take care of and raise for HIM!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Still Waiting to Move

   We are STILL waiting to move...
   So far,we have been turned down by a few places,and had to turn down our favorite place due to issues we really felt we couldn't live with.Such as we were choosing to live in a really nice looking family friendly apartment complex on the very outside edge of town.Then after asking around we heard there were drug issues at the apartment complex,and then after being promised an upstairs unit we were then told we would have to be at ground level.Hello,we are leaving this place mainly because its not a good place to raise the girls,there are drug issues,violence etc.Then the whole ground level is an issue because Lilly has no concept of danger and tries to escape constantly,the first chance she gets she runs straight for the road as fast as she can.She has had a few really close calls,as has Daisy and honestly,maybe I'm just paranoid,but I would rather have the girls have to scale two flights of steps before hitting the big danger zone if they manage to escape.They have both gotten out a couple times here but I have always caught them almost instantly,and let me tell you those incidents filled this mamas heart with panic!If you met some of the people here you would understand why!
   Let me explain,this place is funded by the government and so it is cheap housing,yes,it is perfect for the young single mum who is just starting out with a baby,but not ideal for someone trying to raise a family,there have been alot of young couples with no kids moving in lately and that's kinda been the turning point for me,drunk,high,convicted felons with baseball bats and big wrenches,so not safe for my kids!AND DON'T GET ME WRONG!!one of my closest family members IS a convicted felon,I have nothing against felons per say,just against THESE felons lol
   Anyhow,we think we have finally found a place!I'm so excited,we were given a moving date of April 15th,please pray for us,that if this is meant to be it WILL happen!

The Things Kids Say

  Tonight as I was cleaning up the livingroom before bed I asked Daisy to pick up the cup that was on the floor,she looked at me ever so sweetly and without missing a beat she said "ok zombie treat" and went and did as she was told without another word!HELLO,this kid is THREE!!!!!!!!!
   Honestly the kid has never seen a zombie movie or even any scary movie that Im aware of,so where she came up with that is beyond me!I busted out laughing so hard the minute she turned around,it was just pretty darn funny!

Sunday, March 13, 2011


Sickness,Sickness go AWAY!

   My poor baby is still sick,when we went to the doctor on Thursday she was diagnosed with a sinus infection and put on  antibiotics.I have been faithfully forcing her to take it twice a day and she is getting worse.Now her cough is bad,her nose isn't green anymore but her fever is back and her misery level is sky high....with that comes a tired mama with a low screaming tolerence!
   Some days I pray to have a nice uneventful day and enjoy my girls,lately I have just been praying for strength to just make it through another day and for the screaming to subside and for poor Lilly to be calm.
   Tomorrow I hope to make her a weighted vest to try.Maybe it will help some with her Sensory Processing issues.She likes her weighted blanket but at 5lb its almost too heavy for her to do much with.She will watch a movie with it but anymore she screams that she doesn't want it near her in bed...I'm confused I have no clue which direction to go next.
   We started both Speech and Occupational Therapy again,so maybe somehow between all of us we can  somehow get thru to my baby.
   Yes,the screaming drives me to the point of near insanity at times,but more than that I feel terrible for Lilly to have to live her life like this.I cannot imagine how she must feel being so miserable and screaming nonstop for hours on end,sometimes even days on end,except when she screams herself to sleep.
   It makes me sad to see her like this,and it makes me feel like a horrible mum,not having a clue what is wrong with my baby,never being able to comfort her or make her feel better.Its awful for both of us and all i wish is that I could make her feel better.
   This is a pretty typical picture of Lils during the day,and it makes this Mamas heart hurt for her baby.