Beautiful,Snowy Day

  I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and a wonderful New Year! I know I keep making promises to come back to blog land but now I am back for good, I promise!
 It's another beautiful, snowy day in Wyoming I'm loving this amazing weather and time with my wonderful children.
   Sipping hot caramel coffee, soft music playing, children quietly playing their Nooks, with the amazing smell of homemade potato soup simmering on the stove, life couldn't get any better, I am finally happy with where my life is. I honestly can say I love being a single parent, I wish the things that lead up to me being a single parent hadn't happened for my children's sake but through it all we have become stronger, more bonded, closer then ever and for that I am very thankful.
   So much has changed the past few years but things change over the years, some for the good, some for the worse but inevitably things are bound to change.
   Daisy went thru this really tomboy spell the past year or so where she refused to wear any girl clothes at all, I figured it was a spell and so I just let her wear what she wanted , let her pick her new clothes when she needed new clothes and found out that if they just sold more girl stuff in Ninja Turtles and superheroes then she probably would have never went that route lol but I figured out I can buy them in the boy's section a size up and adapt them to a girl's cut and style and she is totally happy, so I have a stack of shirts sitting here waiting to be adapted.
   In so many ways its been a long winter already and in other ways its flown by but it is hard to believe we are on the upside to counting down for Christmas again. As a child I remember time just couldn't go by fast enough between birthdays and Christmases but now time just needs to slow down a little I feel like my children are growing so fast that soon I won't be such a big part of their lives as they will grow more independent and begin to think more on their own and become more opinionated (if that's possible lol)
   I have a new hobby I am interested in and am in the process of getting the supplies to begin making reborn babies to sell but mostly for friends and family. So about a month or so ago I bought my first baby for myself she is Phil Donnelly's Enya prototype reborned by Silvia Creations. She is absolutely gorgeous, it has taken many years for me to actually step out and make a purchase like this because it is not cheap or an easily made decision, however as costly as she was I do not regret purchasing her at all, if this is going to be something I decide to do I want to have one baby by one of the top artists in the world. Of course this is something I have been buying for the girls for the past year and over a year they have each acquired three, so now they have quite a little nursery of babies going on, I really need to learn to root the hair so I can fix their babies and do the hair properly and seal it like it should have been all along. Some artists are only in it for the money and do not care about the quality of their work, I want to build a good name for myself not be known to bust out five babies a week that are poor quality.
   Now for a few pictures of the baby doll I bought and renamed Natawnee. She is stunning, and as you will see she looks a lot like Daisy did when Daisy was little, I think that's what made it such an easy decision for me to purchase her, now eventually I would like to find one that looks like Lilly did when she was little :) Hope you enjoy the pics :)

Update n Pics

   I am back for now, I have decided to start blogging here now that things have quieted down again. Alot has happened in the past year and I am happy to say we have come through it none the worse forwear.      
  Off and on thru the past year I have been pretty sick with my seizures and migraines, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what is wrong and how to get well. In the past year I have been taken to the ER multiple times for my seizures and now I see a neurologist every three months and am on medications to control the seizures and have been doing better.
   I haven't been able to do much sewing or anything I have been pretty busy painting and redoing the kitchen, taking kids to and from school and trying to stay caught up on housework.
   I have a million things rolling thru my head everyday anymore and its hard not being physically capable of doing all I wish I could, but im learning my limits and learning to be happy where I am and with the things I can do.
   Im fighting a huge spiritual warfare in my soul, I cant really go into the details right now but I ask that you pray for me for deliverance, for freedom and for help in knowing what the right path to take is. Im so confused, so lost and feel so alone right now that I don't know where to go, where to turn, or who to talk to. I need spiritual guidance, I want to start going to church to find a church home where we feel welcome and fit in, somewhere my girls can find true friends and be happy.
   I have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do today, I hope to be able to finish up the kitchen and sew the new tablecloth and curtains to match the new soft yellow paint I just painted the kitchen with, it has really lightened it up a lot and makes it so much brighter, happier looking and I love it.
   The girls are getting so big and I'm so proud of them and all they have come thru so well, Lilly turns 5 in January and Daisy is 6 1/2 so time has flown by so much quicker then I ever thought possible! Lilly absolutely hates having her picture taken so its super hard to get any good pics of her lately, its frustrating because she is so cute and photogenic but has a major phobia of the camera!

 

 

 

 

My Girls

   I totally love both my girls with all my heart and some days I feel like Daisy doesn't get as much attention as she needs and deserves,being 4 and my oldest so I have been trying to incorporate allot more time with just Daisy into my schedule.For instance,keeping Daisy up during Lilly's nap time or even 30 minutes after Lilly goes to bed.It really seems to be helping Daisy and its such a blessing to me to get to watch her learn and develop,I cant believe how big she is already.I love spending time with her,making things with her,reading her stories and just enjoying visiting with her,it is always a special time for both of us.We have been playing with the fake makeup I made and also with these crazy colored wigs Daisy loves,I have just been really enjoying her company :)

  

Lillian Update 2

   I'm exhausted today.Lilly was awake and throwing her first horrendous fit by 7:45 am this morning...Gee,what a way to start the day lol I have no clue what even set her off because she had just woke up and when I opened her door she was screaming,I promptly shut the door and left the room until all was quiet for a good ten minutes.It took her approximately 20 minutes to calm down,when I reentered her room it looked like a tornado had went thru it,completely trashed.I haven't gotten it cleaned up again yet,was saving the task for after nap so if it happens again at least she can have a clean room for the afternoon and evening.
   Last week,I took her tv out of her room,packed up almost all of the toys,took out her dresser and clothes and removed anything she could completely destroy or get hurt on.Of course she has her bed and pillows and blankets,but refuses to sleep in the bed and sleeps on a blanket on the floor,even after I tuck her into her beautiful log bed my dad made for her,with her beautiful handmade kitten quilt with matching pillowcases and curtains I made for her room :( I guess I can take solace in the fact that at least she is sleeping on her kitten quilt on the floor lol
   It makes me so sad to see my little girl such a mess,even now as I'm typing the tears are running down my face because its so hard to see such a perfect child on the outside and wonder what is going on inside,in my mind disabilities such as Autism are so much harder than physical disabilities such as Cerebral Palsy.I have worked with severely physically disabled children since I was 17 years old,and this is by far the hardest child I have ever worked with.Funny how that works beings she is my own biological child whom I love and adore with all my heart.
   I couldn't even begin to imagine my life with out my girls,I would be so lost without them to fill the dull moments in my life.I love them so much,everything about them.I love spending time with them,teaching them different things,taking them to the park,reading stories,praying together,baking together,I even enjoy cleaning their rooms and doing their laundry.Yes,being a mum is definitely the hardest full time job I ever had,but I wouldn't change it for all the money in the world.

Welcome to Baby Boot Camp

   Today was the first day I have really cracked down on the girls behavior,I'm ready to get some respect around here.Daisy went in time out numerous times and Lilly,well lets just say Lilly was constantly being reprimanded and course of action being redirected.It all really started today when I told Daisy to do something and she walked over to me and screamed "no" and spat in my face and walked off.honestly I was so freaking mortified I was speechless for a moment before I picked her a** up and put her in time out.She spent a good bit of time there because she refused to sit quietly or nicely  and kept screaming at me that she didn't like me.
   Lilly's constant issue today was the fact that when we were outside at the park,she kept making a bee line for the street as fast as possible and by the time I could catch her she was already in the middle of the street.To me this is a serious offense because it could cost her life.Every time I got her back onto the sidewalk or back to the playground I would tell her "NO" very firmly and tell her she was going to get run over,I put her in time out on the bench and then after her time let her go play agin watching very closely to see if she understood,and by the end of the afternoon this little girl was really looking at me to see if I was watching and run for the road as fast as she could instead of slowly meandering to it like she had previously.I honestly have no clue how to deal with her as NOTHING seems to get thru to her,no consequences are bad enough to make her not want to do it again and it seems like her whole entire goal is to piss me off!
   So,tonight I got meds ready,then I FORCED both girls to let me brush their teeth(I had to literally chase Lilly down) and then I got on diapers and jammies and put both girls to bed with a small cup of WATER (no more severely diluted juice or rice milk) and put them to bed with NO movie and guess what???? they were asleep within minutes :)
   Tomorrow is going to be another long day of fighting for the respect and obedience I deserve.From here on out I am demanding nothing less than respect and obedience and no more half hearted doing as we are told,if we even do it at all.I'm sorry girls but when Mama says "jump" you better be asking"how high" because I will not take this anymore!

Thankyou God

Another day is Gone

   Another day is gone into a whirlwind of memories...
   What did you do today that will follow you into the future?
   Did you make lasting memories with your children?
   Did you do what is right when the opportunity arose?
   Did you help someone?
   Did you do a kind deed?
   Were you honest?
   I have obviously had alot of thoughts running through my mind today.A number of my blogger friends have children who are fighting cancer or leukemia,and some know that their child's time on earth is now limited,unless God grants them a true miracle.My heart is very heavy for these dear families facing the hardest decisions of their lives.At the end of each day I often sit and sift thru my day and what a I did throughout my day and I think of the wasted moments and missed opportunities,not only with my girls,but with the people I come in contact with.Sometimes its just little things I regret,such as not taking the girls to the park on a nice day or not taking the time out of my sewing orders to sit down and read the book Lilly brought to me,or not taking the time to let Daisy help me as I rushed around to whip up the next batch of dehydrator cookies.Other days its bigger things I wish I had done,such as not helping the little elderly woman at the grocery store because I already have my hands full with the girls,but really how hard would it have been for me to stop and help her load her groceries?Then I think "maybe that little old woman had nobody in her life loving or caring about her,maybe me and my girls could have been the only cheer in her lonely day and I was too busy to take the time to help her"
   I have been thinking alot about how fast time is flying by,Daisy will be 4 in just over 3 months!4 years have nearly passed since I spent all those lonely weeks in a big city in a whole different state all by myself with my tiny,premature baby who faced death different times in her life,I see the beautiful wonderful spirited child she has grown into and I'm amazed that such a tiny frail baby could become such a beautiful child.

   I thank God daily for my wonderful kids even though there are days I totally struggle to stay sane lol I just want my life to count for something,not for other people to notice,but to count for God.Truly my girls are my world and even if I could go back to 4.5 yr ago when I made some of the decisions I made I would still chose to have my girls in my life,being a single mum is hard,very hard at times,but so worth it and I don't know what I would do without my wonderful kids!

today is just...

ONE OF THOSE DAYS...
  
   I love being a stay at home mum but it all has its pros and cons.On one hand I get to be at home with my girls all day every day instead of pawning them off on a daycare,I get to be part of everything they learn and I can limit the influences they receive from the TV and outside world.I get to teach them to love and respect each other,I get to be there for all of their "firsts" and be there to soothe their aches and pains and cuddle them when they are sick.I get to be there for them when they are hurt or frustrated,to give them love,to enjoy all the smiles and excitement,to hear those "I love you mommas" all throughout my day
  
ON THE OTHER HAND...

   I sometimes feel like all I do is run around in circles,picking up the same toys and shoes over and over day in,day out.Sometimes I feel lonely and tired but know I must keep going alone,because if I don't do it it will never get done.Some days I grow weary of the constant bickering and fighting between the girls.Some days I get tired of the constant fevers and crying and throwing  up that comes with the special needs of my kids.Some days I wish for what will never be,I think of what life would be like if Lilly was a happy typical kid,what life would be like if she didn't scream uncontrollably nonstop for days on end.I wonder what it would be like to take the girls to the park and have them both be excited and HAPPY to be going outside to play and feed the ducks.I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have to constantly clean up throw up and wash bedding,I wonder what it would be like to be able to put Lilly to bed in regular pajamas instead of having to layer her clothing just right so she cant take her diaper off and pee all over her sisters stuff or smear feces all over the walls.I wonder what it would be like to get a full nights sleep,what it would be like for Lilly to actually sleep thru the whole night more than once  a month.
 
BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE...

   I am overwhelmed that God saw fit to give me these 2 exact children just the way they are.He saw fit to give me these exact special needs,these exact challenges every single day,but why? Because he thought I could handle it.In the Bible it tells us that God will not give us more than we can handle,and in all fairness and honesty I wonder if God looks down and watches me struggling just to make it through each day and is disappointed in the job I'm doing.Does he shake his head in sadness and think "Sally,today was a beautiful day outside and you missed it because you were too preoccupied at washing all of last nights bedding and scrubbing the walls yet again" does he think "I thought she could handle it but she seems to be breaking down from the  sheer exhaustion and tiredness of doing it all alone"

DON'T GET ME WRONG...

   I love my little girls with all my heart and I do all I can to enjoy them,to take them to the park,to read to them,and watch movies together.I love them ever so much,and if something ever happened to them I know my heart would die,they are my world.I do my best to teach them to difference between right and wrong,kindness,sharing,etc but some days I sit and wonder if somehow I'm missing the big picture.What if God has so much more out there for me and the girls and I'm not seeing it??
   I should close this post on all my ramblings cuz I honestly doubt if they make sense to anyone other than myself lol

The Special Mother

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect -she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word". She will consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

Erma Bombeck

Introduction of my Family

  I'm curled up with a cozy afghan enjoying steaming mug of hot cider as the fire crackles and burns filling the room with a wonderful warmth.
     I have alot of thoughts swirling thru my mind today.I have been reading and studying Reactive Attachment Disorders yet again as now I'm finally convinced this is the clinical explanation of dds behavior problems which seem to be getting worse with every passing day.
  All I ever wanted and hoped for in life was to be married to a wonderful man and to be a mother.On July 8,07 my dreams of being a mum came true when Daisy was born 13 weeks prematurely weighing in at a whopping 2lb 12oz at just 14" long.After many heartfelt prayers and tears and 9 long torturous weeks and heart surgery Daisy was finally sent home from the hospital and I began my journey as a single mother.After only 3 weeks of being at home and in and out of our local doctors office and hospital Daisy was once again sent to Denver,CO where we spent another 4 weeks fighting our way thru hundreds of tests and another surgery.Once again Daisy was released from the hospital and sent home,this time she was on oxygen and an apnea monitor.
     In May of 08 I got pregnant again,it was a long pregnancy full of problems,I had to have a cervical cerclage put in at 13 weeks to keep her from being born prematurely like Daisy due to me having an Incompetent Cervix.In Oct 08 I was life flighted to Denver in preterm labor and we thought our baby was going to be born at 23 weeks however they managed to keep her in until 37 weeks! Lillian was born on Sat 1-31-09.she was released and sent home at 22 hours old.Even from the beginning I knew there was something very wrong with my new baby girl,she barely ate and was throwing up bright yellow bile,the next day we  rushed her to our local clinic and had her checked over by our doc who could find nothing wrong.By that evening I knew my baby was going to die unless something changed dramatically.I rushed her to the Emergency Room where them immediately began a battery of tests on our new baby girl.The doctor came in and informed me that they had called the flight team in to air lift her to Children's Hospital.However with the winds and cold January weather we had to wait for a ground team..We didn't know if she was even going to live. 
   For the past 20 months I have fought to be a good mum and spent a great deal of time in tears feeling like a failure.Knowing that something is not right with either one of your children and yet nobody understanding or being able to pinpoint it is very frustrating.I knew I was doing the best I could.
  Being a single mum of two special needs kids is not easy but it is very rewarding!