today is just...

ONE OF THOSE DAYS...
  
   I love being a stay at home mum but it all has its pros and cons.On one hand I get to be at home with my girls all day every day instead of pawning them off on a daycare,I get to be part of everything they learn and I can limit the influences they receive from the TV and outside world.I get to teach them to love and respect each other,I get to be there for all of their "firsts" and be there to soothe their aches and pains and cuddle them when they are sick.I get to be there for them when they are hurt or frustrated,to give them love,to enjoy all the smiles and excitement,to hear those "I love you mommas" all throughout my day
  
ON THE OTHER HAND...

   I sometimes feel like all I do is run around in circles,picking up the same toys and shoes over and over day in,day out.Sometimes I feel lonely and tired but know I must keep going alone,because if I don't do it it will never get done.Some days I grow weary of the constant bickering and fighting between the girls.Some days I get tired of the constant fevers and crying and throwing  up that comes with the special needs of my kids.Some days I wish for what will never be,I think of what life would be like if Lilly was a happy typical kid,what life would be like if she didn't scream uncontrollably nonstop for days on end.I wonder what it would be like to take the girls to the park and have them both be excited and HAPPY to be going outside to play and feed the ducks.I wonder what it would be like if I didn't have to constantly clean up throw up and wash bedding,I wonder what it would be like to be able to put Lilly to bed in regular pajamas instead of having to layer her clothing just right so she cant take her diaper off and pee all over her sisters stuff or smear feces all over the walls.I wonder what it would be like to get a full nights sleep,what it would be like for Lilly to actually sleep thru the whole night more than once  a month.
 
BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE...

   I am overwhelmed that God saw fit to give me these 2 exact children just the way they are.He saw fit to give me these exact special needs,these exact challenges every single day,but why? Because he thought I could handle it.In the Bible it tells us that God will not give us more than we can handle,and in all fairness and honesty I wonder if God looks down and watches me struggling just to make it through each day and is disappointed in the job I'm doing.Does he shake his head in sadness and think "Sally,today was a beautiful day outside and you missed it because you were too preoccupied at washing all of last nights bedding and scrubbing the walls yet again" does he think "I thought she could handle it but she seems to be breaking down from the  sheer exhaustion and tiredness of doing it all alone"

DON'T GET ME WRONG...

   I love my little girls with all my heart and I do all I can to enjoy them,to take them to the park,to read to them,and watch movies together.I love them ever so much,and if something ever happened to them I know my heart would die,they are my world.I do my best to teach them to difference between right and wrong,kindness,sharing,etc but some days I sit and wonder if somehow I'm missing the big picture.What if God has so much more out there for me and the girls and I'm not seeing it??
   I should close this post on all my ramblings cuz I honestly doubt if they make sense to anyone other than myself lol