Update n Pics

   I am back for now, I have decided to start blogging here now that things have quieted down again. Alot has happened in the past year and I am happy to say we have come through it none the worse forwear.      
  Off and on thru the past year I have been pretty sick with my seizures and migraines, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what is wrong and how to get well. In the past year I have been taken to the ER multiple times for my seizures and now I see a neurologist every three months and am on medications to control the seizures and have been doing better.
   I haven't been able to do much sewing or anything I have been pretty busy painting and redoing the kitchen, taking kids to and from school and trying to stay caught up on housework.
   I have a million things rolling thru my head everyday anymore and its hard not being physically capable of doing all I wish I could, but im learning my limits and learning to be happy where I am and with the things I can do.
   Im fighting a huge spiritual warfare in my soul, I cant really go into the details right now but I ask that you pray for me for deliverance, for freedom and for help in knowing what the right path to take is. Im so confused, so lost and feel so alone right now that I don't know where to go, where to turn, or who to talk to. I need spiritual guidance, I want to start going to church to find a church home where we feel welcome and fit in, somewhere my girls can find true friends and be happy.
   I have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do today, I hope to be able to finish up the kitchen and sew the new tablecloth and curtains to match the new soft yellow paint I just painted the kitchen with, it has really lightened it up a lot and makes it so much brighter, happier looking and I love it.
   The girls are getting so big and I'm so proud of them and all they have come thru so well, Lilly turns 5 in January and Daisy is 6 1/2 so time has flown by so much quicker then I ever thought possible! Lilly absolutely hates having her picture taken so its super hard to get any good pics of her lately, its frustrating because she is so cute and photogenic but has a major phobia of the camera!

 

 

 

 

Dear Nikki

Dear Nikki,
   Nine long hard years have passed since you were murdered,and the memory my darling little girl is still just as real now as it was the day you died.
   I remember too well the day I received the news that you had been hurt badly and were not going to make it, and that you were being removed from life support at 2pm the next day,I remember the horror that filled my heart and mind,going into a state of shock,becoming hysterical,not being able to get to you before you passed away 20 minutes later,this was a joyous time for you,sweet innocent girl,but baby it was hell for me, I wish I could have died to keep you safe or done more to protect you,I was fighting with DFS to bring you home as my daughter from the moment you went into foster care,I called all the social workers,moving up the chain of command,but hit roadblocks everywhere I went,but ironically after you passed away,the social worker called me and said everything had been cleared and asked me to adopt your baby sister.I couldn't even do it,I felt too awful about everything that had happened to you.I dont think I responded to that situation properly, but nothing would have ever felt right without you in my home also.
   I remember walking into the funeral home,hearing Butterfly kisses playing softly over the sound system as I walked into the room where your body lay so cold in that tiny casket.You looked so peaceful in your new dress and new little black shoes,and the locket on your neck that lit up so sweetly.I remember seeing your little face swollen nearly beyond recognition and seeing  the marks n bruises down your arms and across your little body for the first time.I remember the horror creeping thru my soul at how much you truly endured before you passed away.I remember being beside myself with grief and running from the funeral home to deal with your death alone as I wandered the streets trying to clear my mind
   Your funeral was torturous I desperately wanted it to be a nightmare,hoping I would wake up any moment,but looking at the burns and bruises covering your little body I knew this nightmare was reality and I also knew I had failed you terribly,I'm so sorry I could not save you from the evils of these pathetic people,honestly baby I have fought many personal demons over your death.I remember a blinding pain taking over my whole life & wanting to kill the foster mother who so tragically and cruelly purposely took your life from you and took you from us much too soon.I remember the last time I saw you alive,it was hell for me,how I wanted to take you into my arms and run as fast and far away from those evil,wicked people,the people who ultimately ended your life a short time later.
   They say time heals all pain,but apparently they don't know what they are talking about because time does not heal the pain,however it does make it a little easier to live with.Your grave is my thinking place,I go there alone to reflect on life,I go there to think of you and to take you little tokens of my love.
   Now I picture you singing and dancing with the angels and sitting with Jesus  living a glorious pain free life full of the excitements of heaven and when I picture this I'm almost glad you were spared having to live with the abuse and horrors  of your past.I realize now that no matter how awful or tragic your death was,your life still was full of meaning and purpose.You are my inspiration Nichole, I look at my beautiful girls and think of you and realize that tomorrow they could be dancing with you,I don't want to regret anything else they way I regret the way you died and not being able to help you more,but i want to thank you for helping to teach me the meaning of life.My own daughter is now the exact age you were when you were murdered,when I look into her sparkling brown eyes I am often reminded of you and how I was given a second chance to make right where I went wrong years ago.
   Gone but not forgotten,you will always live on in mine and my girls lives.   
   RIP Nikki,I love you baby girl xoxo

RIP GRANDMA

      RIP GRANDMA WE LOVE YOU!

  

   My dear grandmother passed away unexpectedly on July 27th,2011.
   It was so hard to see such an awesome woman leave this earth for her home in the sky.I cried for days,I sobbed until I had a migrain,not for my dear Grandmother but for those of us left here on earth.I sobbed for all the grandchildren and great grandchildren who needed the worlds best Grandmother to be there for them to guide them and be there for them thru hard times and thru the fun times.I sobbed for her children,her son (My daddy) as I watched him fight his tears for the entire 16 hour drive home from Idaho,I sobbed for my Aunts and Uncle who so desperately loved and needed her.I cried knowing my girls would never fully know how much their great grandmother loved them.I cried knowing that if and when the day comes that I chose to get married there will be an empty place where she should have been.
   Death is such a hard trial we all must face at some point in our lives,we need to all remember that our loved ones are in a better place.My Grandmother was a wonderful woman who believed in and trusted God.The day she passed away in the midst of my tears I went and checked the mail before we hit the road for the long trip to Idaho and I had a letter from my Grandmother.It came at such a perfect time,she just wanted to let us know how much she loved us and that she knows life is tough but to always trust God and remember we are not alone.Honestly after I got that letter my heart felt so much better,I was able to have a calmness in my soul that Grandma was happy and free now and it was wrong for us to wish her back.I still mourn our loss of such a beautiful,wonderful person but I am happy she is in heaver where God will wipe away her tears.

The Reality of the Nightmare of Child Abuse

Dear Nichole,
   More than seven long hard years have passed since you were murdered,and the memory my darling little girl is still just as real now as it was the day you died.
   O how I remember how much you loved (shoclate) frostys from Dairy Queen,I remember how terrible I felt when you smashed your little fingers in the car door,I remember your first day of school and just how excited you were,I remember taking you to the park to play with your baby sister,I remember how much I loved doing your brown curly hair and dressing you up so pretty,I remember how sweetly you and your baby sister played in the bath in the mornings before we went about our day.
   I remember that you were always  happy even through the horror you lived thru every day at the very hands of biological your parents,I did everything I could to brighten up your life baby but I was still very young,just 21,I didn't know how to get you out of that situation sooner but I fought daily for you,fighting with social workers and your parents that you all deserved better.
   I remember too well the day I received the call that there had been an accident,that you were not going to make it, and that you were being removed from life support at 2pm,I remember the horror that filled my heart and mind,going into a state of shock,becoming hysterical,not being able to get to you before you went be with Jesus 20 minutes later,this was a joyous time for you,sweet innocent girl,but baby it was hell for me, I wish I could have died to keep you safe or done more to protect you,I was fighting with DFS to bring you home as my daughter from the moment you went into foster care,I called all the social workers,moving up the chain of command,but hit roadblocks everywhere I went,but ironically after you passed away,the social worker called me and said everything had been cleared and asked me to adopt your baby sister.I couldn't even do it,I felt too awful about everything that had happened to you.I dont think I responded to that situation properly either but nothing would have ever felt right without you in the home also.
   Your funeral was torturous I desperately wanted it to be a nightmare,hoping I would wake up any moment,but looking at the burns and bruises covering your little body I knew this nightmare was reality and I also knew I had failed you terribly,I'm so sorry I could not save you from the evils of these pathetic people honestly baby I have fought many personal demons over your death.I remember a blinding pain taking over my whole life & wanting to kill the foster mother who so tragically and cruelly purposely took your life from you.I remember the last time I saw you alive,it was hell for me,how I wanted to take you into my arms and run as fast and far away from those evil,wicked people,the people who ultimately ended your life a short time later.
   They say time heals all pain,but apparently they don't know what they are talking about because time does not heal the pain,however it does make it easier to live with.
   Now I picture you singing and dancing with the angels and sitting with Jesus  living a glorious pain free life full of the excitements of heaven and when I picture this I'm almost glad you were spared having to live with the abuse and horrors  of your past.I realize now that no matter how awful or tragic your death was,your life still was full of meaning and purpose.You are my inspiration Nichole, I look at my beautiful girls and think of you and realize that tomorrow they could be dancing with you,I don't want to regret anything else they way I regret the way you died and not being able to help you more,but i want to thank you for helping to teach me the meaning of life and for teaching me that  life is never so hard I cant thank God for every day He gives me,you will always be in my heart.
   I love you baby girl xoxo
                                Love,Sally

The Reality of the Nightmare of Child Abuse-Personal

Dear Nichole,
   Seven long hard years have passed since you were murdered,O how I remember how much you loved (shocate) frosty from DQ,I remember how terrible I felt when you smashed your little fingers in the car door,I remember your first day of school,I remember taking you to the park to play with your baby sister,I remember how much I loved doing your brown curly hair and dressing you up so pretty,I remember that you were always  happy even through the horror you lived thru every day at the hands of your birth parents,I remember too well the day I received the call that you were being removed from life support at 2pm, you went be with Jesus 20 minutes later,this was a joyous time for you,sweet innocent girl,however baby it was hell for me, I wish I could have died to keep you safe or done more to protect you,I was fighting with DFS to bring you home as my daughter from the moment you went into foster care,your funeral was torturous I desperately wanted it to be a nightmare,hoping I would wake up any moment,but looking at the burns and bruises covering your body I knew this nightmare was reality and I also knew I had failed you terribly,I'm so sorry I could not save you from the evils of these pathetic people honestly baby I have fought many personal demons over your death.I remember a blinding pain taking over my whole life & wanting to kill the foster mother who so cruelly took ur life from you,her job was to PROTECT you and help you heal from the past.I remember the last time I saw you alive,it was hell for me,how I wanted to take you into my arms and run as fast and far away from those people,the people who ultimately ended your life a short time later.They say time heals all pain,but apparently they don't know what they are talking about because time does not heal the pain,however it does make it easier to live with.Now I picture you singing and dancing with the angels & sitting with Jesus  living a glorious pain free life full of the excitements of heaven and when I picture this I'm almost glad you were spared having to live with the abuse and horrors  of your past.I realize now that no matter how awful or tragic ur death was,your life still was full of meaning and purpose.You are my inspiration Nikki, I look at my beautiful girls and think of you and realize that tomorrow they could be dancing with you,I don't want to regret anything else they way I regret the way you died,but I want to thank you for helping to teach me the meaning of life and for teaching me that  life is never so hard I can't thank God for every day He gives me,you will always be in my heart,I love you baby girl xoxo Love,Sally
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx4RsCfL_fA